Monday, December 21, 2009

LOLs from my father

My Dad's always a good source of entertainment, but he's really outdone himself this week. I don't know if it's the Christmas spirit or some other kind of spirit, but his emails and phone calls have been full of gems recently...

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"We went to [Mum's former school] Carol Service at the Minster last night. It was excellent:


Girl 1 (Narrator) - "And Mary was sorely troubled"
Girl 2 (Mary) - "I am sorely troubled"
Boy (Gabriel) - "Do not be troubled"



No-one else seemed to think it was a comedy"


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"Canadian politics has been very boring lately, you lot haven't had an election in months. What happened? Did you decide you like that bastard, what's his name, your useless prime minister, after all?"


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Dad: "Where's that bastard you live with? I have an ice hockey question for him"
Me: "Hang on, I'll get him"
Dad: "Hello, colonial bastard!"
Mr E Man: "Hello, imperialist bastard!"
Dad: "Right, so I saw five minutes of ice hockey highlights on the news yesterday and I have a question. What, exactly, is the strategic advantage of taking your gloves off and repeatedly punching the other team's player in the helmet?"
Mr E Man: "There's really no good explanation for that kind of behaviour"
Dad: "They had sticks, and there was some kind of black thing on the ice. I hear they use those things in between fights, is this true?"


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"It's our turn to run the pub quiz next month. Here's a question for you: which Championship team is top of the league despite being full of useless overpaid wankers? 


There'll be a bonus point if anyone can explain how this is happening. No-one will win the bonus point".


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"Stop playing the science card! It's not fair when you know things that we don't and use them to win arguments!"


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"Now, Catherine, tell the truth. Are you, or are you not, sleeping with Tiger Woods?"

13 comments:

  1. LOL!!! my favorite: "I hear they use those things in between fights, is this true?"

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  2. Strategic advantage. Ha ha.

    He ought to get a cricket question straight back at him. And if he's not a cricket man then he can explain the offside rule in soccer and the inability of the million pound a week bastards to find the back of the largest goal in world sport.

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  3. Dr. A, he goes on about hockey fights a lot. I think they're the only highlights they show on UK TV!

    Anon, cricket is not as complicated as we'd have you think. We like to keep the really good sports to ourselves and our closest friends (see also: rugby).

    The offside rule in "soccer" is dead simple: at the moment an attacking player passes the ball to a team mate, there must be at least 2 opposition players level with or in front of the most forward-positioned attacker.

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  4. Sorry Cath forgot to sign

    Having played cricket, rugby and ice hockey the latter makes by far the most sense.

    The offside rule in soccer is easy to explain the substance of and hard to explain the reason for....

    -antipodean

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  5. heh - for some reason I thought you were a Yank. Sorry! Must have been the S word.

    The offside rule is to prevent people hanging out by the goal line waiting for a lucky pass forward (same as in hockey, I guess). Gary Lineker would have scored way more goals if this was allowed.

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  6. My dad's never funny. This past week he sent me five pictures of two cat litter boxes from different angles, and still managed to not make that funny at all.

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  7. My dad is hilarious, too.

    Dad: Happy birthday! Your mother said I had to call you even though it's the day before your birthday in the US but to let you know that it's your birthday here.

    Me: Thanks. Where's Mum?

    Dad: She's gone out to lunch with her Fat Club cronies (her weight loss club) - I think they're eating a couple of cakes in your honour today.

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  8. Eva, that comment was hilarious though!

    PiT, LOL!

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  9. Haahaa! The hockey remark is priceless!
    We could make a contest next year who has the funniest father ... I need to be careful because he reads my blog though ;)

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  10. Good idea! My Dad definitely does not read my blog, so I'm safe ;)

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  11. The offside rule in "soccer" is dead simple: at the moment an attacking player passes the ball to a team mate, there must be at least 2 opposition players level with or in front of the most forward-positioned attacker.

    Well, no, damn it, that is in the good ol' days when football was watched at the stadium, jerseys did not have the player's name written on the back, goalies could handle the ball on a back pass, refs wore black only and games were all played simultaneously -- THOSE were the days... Now there is all that malarkey about 'passive' or 'active', which makes offside a judgment call, as opposed to scientifically measurable. I HATE it !


    PS By the way, is it me, or are you avoiding the Tiger question ?

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  12. I would like to state for the record that I am not sleeping with, nor have I ever slept with, Tiger Woods or any other professional athlete.

    I wasn't going to get into the active and passive player malarkey with what I thought was an American!

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  13. Hey, I'm almost though my unread items now (saving the best for last). That's an awful lot of lols & rofls.

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