PZ PredictZ

Following this post on the discrediting of astrology, PZ Myers has started a sideline in fabricated horoscopes. Some of these are priceless, so I've collected them here for those of you who don't read Pharyngula.

(But wait! Doesn't everyone read Pharyngula? Well, I think there may be one or two that don't).

Aries: Look. The reason for your headaches is all the head-butting you do. Switch it up a little, and next time life throws one of those little annoyances your way, trying biting or kicking instead.

Taurus: Great news! Soft drink executives are planning to market a new energy drink made from your urine, on the basis of vague, unfounded rumors of your vitality. This is not such happy news for the rest of us, however.

Gemini: Avoid reading anything about Cyril Burt. There's a strong possibility you might vanish. No, don't google that name. I'm warning you. Dang, too late, you've just become a statistical anomaly.

Cancer: This is not a good day to molt—there's a cephalopod with an eye on you. Hunker down beneath a rock with some ripe rotting fish and wait.

Leo: The stars predict there is a harem in your future. Unfortunately, it's not as glamorous as it sounds; it's more like a knacking yard cooperative, with benefits.

Virgo: You may think you're sitting pretty, but there's a really ugly test cross with a triple mutant in your future.

Libra: There's a choice to be made. You can live fast and hard in the hands of the coke dealer, or you can have the sedate life with regular maintenance, dealing with nothing harder than the occasional phosphate salt. The difference is as simple as a chain with a lock.

Scorpio: The black lights in your bedroom will pay off in a big way — expect a fluorescent romantic entanglement in your near future. Male Scorpios should definitely invest in life insurance.

Sagittarius: Uh-oh. A Republican is going to notice that you are a man-animal hybrid today. Expect vicious denunciations on the steps of the Capitol; beware of federal agents in white lab coats.

Capricorn: You are going to experience a miserable…wait. Those eyes. Those weird pupils…I…I…All Glory to the Hypno-Capricorn. You will be appointed Ruler of the Universe. Hail! All hail the Capricorn!

Aquarius: Beware the nitrate levels in your tank, and do a filter change. Your guppies are pregnant. The air line to the little plastic treasure chest is at risk for getting clogged. Don't overfee…what? It's what? Aquarius, not aquarist? Never mind.

Pisces: You will be busy exchanging ions across your gill membranes today — watch out for predators, and trust your lateral line organs.

I'm an Aquarius myself*, but I think I like Virgo's horoscope best.

I predict that sometime today, all signs will read about plant dignity (yes,that's right, the dignity of plants) at my other blog.
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*I'm more likely to be found carrying beer than water, on Fridays at least.